


Blue

by Piper_Emerald



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Connor is pining, Hanahaki Disease, Jared isn't a complete asshole, M/M, Tree Bros, Zoe is a good sister, and forced his way into this fic, flower symbolism, obviously, small mentions of galaxy gals, this doesn't have a character death warning, which means angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-29
Updated: 2017-11-29
Packaged: 2019-02-08 09:04:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12861270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piper_Emerald/pseuds/Piper_Emerald
Summary: For a long time bright blue flowers made Connor smile. They reminded him of one of the few times he had been a good brother. Now they just made him sick.Connor always knew that getting the disease was only a matter of time. No one was going to love him, especially not the quiet boy with the telling eyes and the bright blue shirt. He was alright with that. He'd take the pain if it meant he could ride the high that washed through him each time Evan Hansen smiled at him. He wasn't in this for the long haul anyway.Hanahaki AU





	Blue

When Connor was ten years old he was allowed to walk to their neighborhood’s park all by himself. He didn’t use this privilege often. A few of the neighborhood boys went to the same elementary school as him. Ever since the printer incident, they’d decided that it would be fun to pick on the weird boy who tried to hurt their favorite teacher. 

Zoe was eight and not supposed to go outside without a parent. She didn’t think it was fair. Connor remembered one day she had been crying because their mother was busy and father was at work and if she didn’t go to the park right then all of the other kids would pick all of the flowers and she wouldn’t get any. 

Looking back, Connor could recognize that she was only saying this because she wanted to go outside. Ten-year-old him didn’t understand that. Zoe had always been smarter than him. 

So he’d ran out of the house and to the tiny, shitty park. She’d been right about all the other kids being there. He tried to ignore the jeers. Once the tall boy a year older than him had pushed him into the swing set. Connor didn’t run home crying, but he had told his parents when they asked were the bruise came from. Connor could still remember how angry his father sounded when he called the boy’s parents.

Since then the other kids didn’t try to touch Connor. Instead they called him names and he pretended that didn’t hurt just as much. After a while, he realized it was just easier to stay away from everyone. 

But this time Connor didn’t care. This time he ran through the grass with his fingers in his ears until he came across a patch of bright blue flowers. He remembered dropping to his knees, causing a grass stain that would take his mother an hour to remove. Quickly, he’d plucked flower after flower until his tiny hands could barely carry the bouquet. 

Then he stood and started running again. He didn’t slow until he was back at his front door. Zoe was still crying when he scrambled into the living room, but her eyes brightened when he stuffed the bright blue flowers into her arms. 

Connor would never forget that image of his little sister beaming at him with flowers spilling out of her hands. For a long time blue flowers made him smile. They reminded him that if he tried hard enough he could be a good brother. 

Now they made him sick.

It felt cruelly fitting that the petals blossoming in his throat were the same bright blue as the flowers ten year old him had given to his sister. It was because Connor wasn’t allowed to have anything happy. Every chance of something nice and normal he neared was always going to be ripped away from him. The flowers were there to remind him of that in more ways than one. 

Connor had heard of the disease as a child. His parents hadn’t been the ones to teach it to him or his sister. Instead a teacher had made a comment he didn’t understand, sending him to the internet where he quickly became familiar with the results of the most unlucky situations. 

He’d then told Zoe, because he wasn’t always the good big brother who gave her flowers. It scared her more than it did him. He didn’t understand that much, and told his parents exactly that when he they found her crying and him sitting next to her with bemusement.

Zoe was never going to experience unrequited love. She was perfect and always had been. For Connor on the other hand, it was only a matter of time. No one was going to love him. 

His parents hadn’t believed that he actually thought this. They assumed he was just trying to divert their anger. Now as he crouched over the toilet spitting up bright blue petals, savoring the irony was the farthest thought from his mind. 

“Connor?” Zoe stopped knocked a while ago, but usually waited until he told her it was okay to come in.

When she first caught him, she’d been relieved. He wasn’t sure how long it would be before him spending an extended time alone in their bathroom didn’t make her jump to the fear he was trying to off himself. She’d immediately volunteered to take him to the hospital to get the flowers and feelings surgically removed, but he refused.

He’d been in pain his entire life, he wasn’t ready to let go of the one thing that had the smallest silver lining. It was stupid. But Connor was stupid. 

“Yeah,” he called weakly. 

She entered then. He didn’t look up when she took a seat next to him. 

“It’s getting worse,” she commented.

He didn’t have the energy to argue with her. It was getting worse. 

* * *

It had been the first day of senior year. Connor hadn’t wanted to go to school. Sometimes he wondered if everything would have been avoided if he’d been allowed that or if fate would have found a way to throw him in the path of that boy either way. It was funny, Connor used to not believe in fate. 

He’d been late. Well, he’d been trying to ditch but suddenly thought better of it. Something inside him wanted to try a little bit. That was why he’d gotten in the car that day instead of insisting that he stay home. He couldn’t really put it to words, especially since he was so close to the edge at the same time. Maybe part of him wanted to latch onto some reason to keep suffering through. 

He didn’t get it that day. 

Literally running into the person you’re destined to be at the mercy of felt cliche. That was probably why it happened exactly like that. Just another reason Connor’s life was a giant, fucked up joke. He blamed being high for his lack of depth perception. He wasn’t sure what the boy his shoulder slammed into used as an excuse. The force nocked them both over, sending the books in the kid’s hands scattered across disgusting ground of the school hallway.

“I’m sorry,” the boy yelped, even though Connor was pretty sure it was both of their faults. 

It took a second for Connor to realize this was the same kid he’d yelled at earlier that day. For a second, he just watched the kid scramble to collect his things with only one hand. That was about when the guilt set in. Connor really had found the worst person to let his misdirected anger out on. 

“Here,” Connor grabbed a flimsy notebook and held it out to the boy. 

“Thanks,” he quickly snatched the book, not making eye contact.

This would have been the right time for Connor to apologize, but Connor wasn’t good at that. He couldn’t even say that to Zoe or his mother, the two people who should probably hear those words from him on a daily basis. 

“No one signed your cast,” Connor said instead.

“Oh, um,” the boy glanced to his arm and then back to Connor. “Yeah, I know.”

“Do you want me to?” He offered. 

“You don’t have to,” the boy stammered. 

“You have a sharpie?” Connor asked.

He wasn’t sure what possessed him to write his name in large bold letters. Maybe he was a little angry at how blank it was, and wanted to fill as much space as he could. He didn’t necessarily like this kid, he didn’t even know him, but he knew what it felt like to have no one. It wasn’t something he’d wish on someone else.

“Thanks.”

Connor watched the boy’s eyes trace the large, scribbled writing. 

“Your name’s Evan, right?” Connor was fairly certain that they’d been in the same class a handful of times. Not that Connor payed much attention to his classmates, or anyone for that matter. 

“Yeah,” the boy nodded. “Evan Hansen.”

“I’m Connor,” he stated.

“I know.” 

For a second Connor felt a knot form in his stomach. Of course Evan knew him. Everyone one knew the stupid, violent, stoner. Their entire high school was either afraid of him or thought he was a pathetic joke. Then Connor realized Evan was still looking at the cast. 

“Oh.” He felt completely awkward but not at all embarrassed and it made no sense what so ever. “Right.”

“Yeah,” Evan mumbled. “I’ll, um, I’ll see you around, Connor.”

“Probably,” Connor mumbled as Evan turned to rush to whatever class he was currently missing the beginning of. 

Connor watched him go. At the time, his thoughts were to preoccupied by wondering whether or not he should try to make it to class as well to notice that Evan Hansen was wearing a bright blue shirt.

* * *

It started slow. His throat started hurting after the first day of school, but he’d thought he was coming down with a cold. He didn’t realize the connection until the second time he found himself stuck in the same place as Evan Hansen. 

Connor liked to spend lunch at the back of the library. The school librarians didn’t seem to care and he’d vowed never to set foot in the school’s cafeteria again. So instead he didn’t eat during the school day and spent the too short forty-five minutes reading. A good number of his classmates thought he was getting high in the parking lot. He wasn’t that stupid. 

The back of the library was quiet and relaxing, which was rare for a corner of their high school. It was one of the few places where Connor came close to feeling calm. That was ruptured when, in a burst, Evan Hansen darted into the aisle Connor was camping out in.

“I’m sorry,” Evan sputtered when he saw Connor. “I didn’t think anyone was here, I can leave.”

If it were anyone else, Connor probably wouldn’t have said anything. 

“You don’t have to,” he stated instead. 

“Oh,” the words surprised Evan. That was fair, they sort of surprised Connor as well. “Okay, thanks.”

Tentatively, Evan sat down a few feet away from him. Connor watched him nervously pick at the end of his cast. It had been a week and Connor’s name was still just as bold across it. There weren’t any other names added. Poor kid. 

“What are you running from?” Connor asked, partly out of curiosity and partly because if Evan was going to sit there for the next forty minutes it wasn’t going to be in awkward silence. 

“I’m not,” Evan stammered.

“You’re a bad liar,” Connor let him know. 

“Thanks,” Evan muttered. 

“You don’t have to tell me,” Connor added. “Just making conversation.”

“I told some people that I’d eat lunch with them,” Evan started. “But I kinda can’t.”

From where Connor was sitting, Evan wasn’t exactly in the position to be turning potential friends away. Then again, if Connor couldn’t walk into the school’s cafeteria, then he doubted that this kid could any easier. 

“So you’re hiding from them?” Connor summed up.

“I guess,” Evan mumbled. 

“Who?”

“What?” Evan blinked at him. 

“Who are the people you’re hiding from?” He clarified.

“Oh,” Evan his fingers were still tracing his cast. “Do you know Jared Kleinman and Alana Beck?”

Yes. The former was the reason Connor had initially lashed out at Evan, and the latter was the only person who actually made an effort to talk to him. 

“They’re great and all,” Evan quickly said. “I just…”

“Talking is a lot sometimes,” Connor stated.

“Yeah,” Evan was looking at him like he’d just told him the meaning of life. “It is.”

Connor was staring, but Evan had sort of started it. For a second, Evan completely opened up. His eyes actually met Connor’s instead of darting away in an act of caution. Connor hadn’t noticed the freckles dusted over Evan’s nose and cheeks before. He hadn’t realized someone so skittish was capable of smiling like that. Sure, it was small and probably just as hesitant as everything Evan said to him was, but it was directed at Connor and Connor alone. 

Suddenly Connor was coughing. 

“Are you okay?” Evan asked, his eyes filling with worry.

“Yeah,” Connor tasted blood. “Actually, I’ll be right back. Can you watch my bag?”

“Yeah, sure,” Evan nodded.

Connor pulled himself to his feet and had to force his legs not to bolt to the bathroom. He reminded himself where he was. One boy smiling at him shouldn’t be enough to dispel his armor. Calmly, he walked out of the library. Calmly, he opened the bathroom door. Calmly, he let himself spit what wasn’t just blood. 

Then he punched the bathroom wall.

* * *

It was downhill from there. Connor found out that Evan was in his history class. He spent the hour and a half period stealing glances in his direction. Evan never looked back at him, he was too busy furiously scribbling notes.

Sometimes they’d pass each other in the hallway. Once Evan waved at him and Connor just smiled. He acted like the simple action wasn’t enough to set his insides on fire. 

Once Evan was in the computer lab when Connor was rushing to print an essay before class. He made eye contact when he said hello. He asked if Connor was feeling better. Connor told him he was feeling great. In that second he hadn’t felt like a lie. When Evan left the room and Connor doubled over it did. 

The first full flower appeared a week after that. Connor was supposed to be meeting Zoe in the parking lot so they could go back home, but he noticed Evan standing uncomfortably outside of the school’s gates. He was clutching his phone in his good hand as if it was a lifeline.

“Hey,” Connor announced his presence before approaching. 

“Connor, hi,” Evan shoved his phone in his pocket. 

“You okay?” Connor knew that it was a stupid question, he knew that he wasn’t going to get an honest answer, and that Evan was never going to understand how much he really did care. 

“Yeah,” Evan lied. “My mom’s late picking me up. Not a big deal. Do you, um, do you need something?”

Yes. Connor needed Evan to talk to him. Connor needed to be more charming, or handsome, or unique. Connor needed Evan to realize that he saw him. 

“No,” he said out loud. “You want company until she gets here?”

“You’re not leaving?” Evan asked back. “With Zoe?”

“You know Zoe?” For a second Connor was filled with hope. If Evan was friends with his sister that was his ticket. She could help him, tell Evan that he wasn’t as much of a freak as he seemed. She could make sure they were in the same place for long enough for Evan to see that Connor could maybe be half as special as he was. 

“No,” Evan said quickly. “Not really.”

“Oh,” Connor’s voice didn’t conceal the numbness taking hold of him.

_Oh._

“You’re right,” he stuffed his hands in his jacket pockets. “Yeah, she’s waiting for me. I’ll see you around, Hansen.”

“Bye,” Evan’s smile didn’t reach him.

Connor barely made it out of Evan’s sight line before he was retching. 

* * *

“Yeah,” Connor said to his sister. “It’s getting worse.”

He didn’t tell her that he was certain that the boy he was never going to be with was probably fighting to keep back petals as well. She didn’t need to know that anyone was suffering because of her. 

Sometimes he was still the brother who had brought her blue flowers, and he wasn’t going to put Evan Hansen’s burden on her just like he wasn’t going to put his on Evan. He’d seen the way she looked at Alana Beck, and judging from how healthy she seemed Connor had been right about her never having to carry the disease. 

She couldn’t love Evan. Evan couldn’t love Connor. It was that fucking simple.

* * *

Connor developed an addiction to cough syrup, which really wasn’t able to trick his body into fighting back the flowers blooming in his throat. Sometimes it made it hurt a little less, and that was enough to consume more than a healthy dosage per week. He didn’t lie to himself enough to think that there was a point in taking care of his body. Unless he let Zoe take him to the hospital, he wasn’t in this for the long hall. 

Sometimes he did want to get the blue flowers removed. He’d be free from the pain both physically and emotionally.

But Connor had been in pain before he met Evan. Hurting because a boy didn’t happen to feel the same felt almost normal, he almost liked it. And if the flowers were removed the small high he got off of each time Evan smiled at him in the hall would be gone too. It was pathetic, but he wasn’t sure he’d be able to get through each day without that. 

He was stuffing a shopping basket with far too much cough syrup than one person should buy at a time, when he ran into Jared Kleinman—who was doing the exact same thing. 

“It’s not for me,” was the first thing that Jared blurted when he noticed Connor staring. 

“I know,” Connor said before he could stop himself. 

Jared gave him a very confused look, and Connor turned away. He started walking to the cashier to buy the medicine bottles that he planned to hide in his car for the time being. His parents sometimes checked his room and he wasn’t sure Zoe would continue keeping his secret if she found those. They wouldn’t be as understanding of his need to cope with the disease.

He tried not to think of who Jared Kleinman was buying the cough syrup for. He tried to not think about Evan crying, and pining, and hurting. He tried not to picture those bright eyes filled with the broken, hollow sadness he knew they had to be. 

What if Evan couldn’t make it? What if his body wasn’t as durable as Connor’s was turning out to be? What if it was only a matter of time before Connor was placing a bouquet of blue flowers on Evan Hansen’s headstone?

Connor was almost to the front of the store when he couldn’t breathe. He barely registered the basket falling from his hands, he did feel himself crumple to the ground. He couldn’t keep it in his throat. He covered his mouth, trying to hide the blue and red. He wasn’t doing this. Not here.

Jared Kleinman found him before a store employee. Connor wasn’t sure if he should be relieved or not. He wasn’t strong enough to stop the arms of the kid who had called him a freak on multiple occasions carry him to the store’s dirty bathroom. 

Seven flowers sat in the disgusting public toilet before Connor’s coughing subsided. Jared didn’t say anything as it happened. He just sat there and patted Connor’s back as if they were friends.

“I’m waiting for a thank you,” Jared informed him when Connor could breath again. 

“Then we’re gonna be here a while,” Connor’s voice was raspy. Talking after this many wasn’t a good idea.

“You have five bucks? I’ll get you water,” Jared stood up. 

Connor gave him his wallet. He didn’t think Jared was going to take more than was needed, but couldn’t bring himself to care if he did.

Drinking hurt, but he knew it would make him feel better in the long run. Jared handed him one of the bottles of cough syrup. Connor swallowed more of it than he knew he should.

“Who is it?” Jared asked. 

“Evan Hansen,” Connor stated because he was too tired to lie, because he wasn’t going to tell the person who’d just saved him to fuck off, because he needed someone else to tell him he didn’t have a chance. 

“Holy shit,” Jared’s eyes went wide.

“Shut up,” Connor mumbled.

“Dude, that sucks,” Jared sounded sympathetic. That wasn’t what Connor wanted. 

“Understatement of the year,” Connor muttered. Connor picked up the cough syrup again. “This is for him, right?”

“It is,” Jared didn’t lie. Connor appreciated that. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Connor replied.

“Are you gonna get home okay?” Jared sounded worried. Connor never thought that he’d ever hear that from him. 

“Why did you help me?” Connor asked back.

“‘Cause,” Jared smiled bitterly. “He has it bad too. It’s not fun to watch.”

Connor nodded. He wanted to think he’d have done the same if their situations were swapped. 

Jared helped him buy the cough syrup and get back to his car. Connor didn’t have the pride left to protest. He forced thoughts of Jared doing the same thing for an even more sick Evan out of his mind.

“I won’t tell him,” Jared promised. 

“I know you won’t,” Connor said back. “But you should sign his cast. If you’re willing to do all this, make sure he knows it’s because you’re his friend.”

Jared nodded. Connor held onto the hope that at the least him falling to pieces would help Evan feel a little bit less alone. 

* * *

“I’m dating Alana Beck.”

The statement wasn’t coming out of nowhere. Connor was about to pull into the school, Zoe avoided eye contact from the seat next to him. She probably thought he’d been to busy drowning to notice the sparkle she’d had in her eye for the past week. He wasn’t that shitty of a brother. 

“That’s great,” he smiled at her. He tried to ignore how surprised the reaction rendered her. 

“Thanks,” she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

“For the past week, right?” Connor couldn’t resist.

She blinked at him.

“Yeah,” she said slowly. “She asked me out last Monday.”

“I’m happy for you.” It was easier to say that than voice how relieved he was that Alana felt the same for her.

“She wants to come over for dinner,” Zoe told him. “Is that a bad idea?”

“Yes,” Connor said flatly. “She’s gonna freak them out.”

“That’s not true,” Zoe crossed her arms. 

“It is,” Connor knew he was right. “She’s way too energetic not to.”

“Whatever,” Zoe sighed. “I meant are you okay with it?”

“Oh,” Connor swallowed. “Yeah, I am. It sounds fun.”

“Seriously?”

No. Connor wasn’t sure he’d be able to make it through that dinner without wondering how different it would be if he brought a boy home and throwing up, but he wasn’t going to tell her that.

“Yeah,” he lied. 

“Okay,” she nodded. “I’ll tell her. Then Mom, I guess.”

“Good luck,” he meant it. 

“Yeah,” she smiled at him. 

She really did look happy. Connor tried not to feel envious. 

* * *

Connor didn’t realize that Zoe telling him about her relationship meant they were no longer keeping it under wraps. Even if he had made the connection, there was no way he could have convinced her to keep it a secret without revealing why he needed her to. He wasn’t changing his stance on keeping her from finding out about Evan. 

That didn’t mean he didn’t feel like he’d just ripped a knife through his own heart in the middle of the same hallway he’d first talked to Evan later that day. He knew that Evan was going to walk through it to get to class. It was creepy, he was aware of that, but watching him walk to class was the only thing that got Connor through each school day. He was a few feet behind Evan when Zoe and Alana turned the corner, their hands intertwined. 

Connor noticed how Evan’s back stiffened. Then he was running, weaving his way through the sea of loud, sweaty people. Jared wasn’t around, he probably had class on the other end of the school. Connor knew Evan wasn’t going to try to call him. He knew that Evan Hansen needed help to be offered to him, he didn’t ask for it. Connor didn’t decide to dart after Evan, his legs did it on their own. Even as he moved, he could feel a weight in his low lungs. 

Shit. It wasn’t supposed to be that bad right now. He thought he had a bit more time. 

Pushing the feeling down and praying it would leave him alone for just half an hour, Connor kept running.

Evan passed three bathrooms before he stopped in one of the few secluded ones. He didn’t realize he was being followed. Connor stopped himself outside the door. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe he was only going to make everything worse. 

He remembered collapsing on the ground of the convenient store the night before. He remembered being so out of it that Jared had too carry him to the bathroom. He remembered recognizing that this really was going to kill him.

Connor pushed the bathroom door open. It closed loudly behind him, most likely alerting Evan that he wasn’t alone. The stall furthest from the door was closed. Connor knocked on it.

“Evan?” He called softly. “It’s Connor.”

“I’m fine,” Evan stammered. 

“I know what’s going on,” he hoped that was enough. 

Evan was silent for a few seconds. 

“I can’t open the door,” he sounded like he was crying. “I can’t stand up, I—”

Connor heard a choking noise.

“You’re gonna be alright,” Connor said even though it wasn’t. Neither of them were ever going to be alright. “Is it okay if I crawl under?”

“Yeah,” Evan’s voice was weak, but Connor heard him. 

Connor didn’t have it in him to care about how gross the floor was. The only thing that mattered was Evan. Gingerly, he kneeled next to the boy. There were tears smudged across Evan’s face. He smelt like blood, and bile, and roses. 

“How did you know I was in here?” Evan asked.

“I have it too,” Connor stated. He hoped that was enough.

“Oh.” A second ago it hadn’t seemed possible for Evan to look sadder, but the emotions consuming his face now were enough to shatter Connors heart. He sucked in a shaky breath. He wasn’t going to show that right now. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Connor gave him a small smile. “We’re in the same boat.”

They stayed in the bathroom for what felt like an hour. Connor watched Evan cry and cough, and Evan let Connor hold him in-between the episodes. Connor ran soothing circles along Evan’s back and told him stupid stories in attempts to distract him. Evan’s tears soaked through Connor’s shoulder. 

This wasn’t just the loss of the slim chance he’d had at Zoe’s heart. Evan was scared. Evan didn’t want to this to kill him. He didn’t want to die. For the first time, Connor realize he didn’t either.

“Let’s get out of here,” Connor decided, when it seemed that the flowers had subsided for the time being.

“We have class,” Evan reminded him in a small voice. 

“Fuck it,” Connor declared. “Let’s do something fun.”

A small but very real smile formed on Evan’s face. 

“Okay,” he nodded. Connor sprang to his feet, offering his hand to help Evan up. 

“What do you like?” He asked Evan. 

“I, um, I don’t know?” Evan stammered. 

“No judgement, Hansen. Jut tell me something you like and we’ll go find it,” he announced. 

“Trees,” Evan stated. “I love trees.” 

“Okay,” Connor hummed. He knew exactly what they were doing today. “We’ll find the most fucking amazing trees in the world.”

Evan laughed. It was beautiful.

“Just give me a second,” Connor started. “I’ll meet you outside, okay?” 

“Okay,” Evan agreed. 

Connor waited until the bathroom door shut behind Evan before he let the violent coughing and hauntingly delicate blue buds overcome him.

* * *

Connor texted Zoe to get a ride home with Alana as he and Evan made a break for his car. It had been months since Connor ditched school, but he’d done it before enough times to know how to not get caught. Evan was significantly more nervous, but Connor could see that turning into a giddy adrenaline. Evan needed this. 

“Where are we going?” Evan wondered as he hopped into the passenger seat of Connor’s car. 

“It’s a surprise,” Connor informed him. “You wanna put the radio on?”

“Sure,” Evan agreed. 

Connor listened to Evan flip through the stations Zoe saved until he seemed content on the obscure alternative rock one. Out of the corner of his eye, he wanted him lean back into the the seat. His eyes were closed, but his head tilted towards the window. Despite the tears still stained on his face, he looked peaceful. He looked beautiful, but Connor wasn’t supposed to be thinking about that right now.

“Thanks,” Evan’s voice was soft, but the usual timid edge was gone. “For everything.”

“Don’t mention it,” Connor faked casualty.

“I’m gonna,” Evan opened his eyes now to stare at him. “You didn’t have to do that—this, any of it. Thank you.”

“I just wanted to cut class,” Connor tried to joke. “Really, I’m using you.”

“Right,” Evan let out a small chuckle.

They didn’t talk for the rest of the drive. Connor expected Evan to question him again when he turned out of their town and toward the country, but instead he kept his eyes out the window and a grin on his face. It didn’t mean he trusted Connor. He was just too physically and emotionally tired to be afraid. 

“This is it,” Connor announced, parking the car on the side of the gravel road.

“This place isn’t open, is it?” Evan asked as he followed Connor to the rusted over gate of the Autumn Smile Apple Orchard.

“Not for years,” Connor admitted.

“You want to break into an abandoned orchard?” Evan raised an eyebrow. 

“Yeah,” Connor said levelly. “No one’s gonna catch us.”

“I wasn’t worried about that,” Evan said quickly. 

“Right,” Connor felt a smirk form on his face. “I’ll hop the fence and see if I can open it for you.”

“I can hop it too,” Evan stammered. 

“With one arm?” Connor asked dryly.

Evan’s eyes darted to his cast then back to Connor again. It was only now the Connor noticed the significantly smaller print under his name. Jared had actually listened to him. Connor hated how accomplished that made him feel. 

“I could,” Evan mumbled stubbornly.

“I’m sure,” Connor was trying very hard not to laugh. “But I don’t like taking chances.”

“Okay,” Evan nodded.

Connor smoothly climbed over the fence. It didn’t lock from the inside. Connor had figured that out the first time he tried to run away here. It’d been in freshman year. He was fairly certain that he’d had the intent to spend at least a week hiding in the trees and living off of apples. When the sun went down and the cold surrounded him, he had dragged himself back into his mother’s car and driven back home. It wasn’t until his driving privileges and the little faith his parents had in him were restored that he tried to come back.

There was something calming about being in the middle of nowhere. Connor called it his escape from humanity. He’d never tried to bring someone with him before. There had never been a reason to.

“Ta-da!” Connor exclaimed as he thought the gate open.

“Good job,” Evan smiled at him.

“It was a lot of effort,” Connor joked. “Come on, you’re gonna love this.”

He was right about that. If Connor had thought that the look Evan had given him in the library was him opening up, then he really didn’t know enough about this kid. Evan’s eyes were wide as he slowly wandered through the large, over grown threes. Connor watched him gawk and couldn’t help smiling as well. In the bathroom it had felt like there was never going to be a light in Evan again, but right now he was shining brighter than Connor thought possible. 

“This is amazing,” Evan turned to Connor. “Thank you.”

“You can stop saying that,” Connor told him. “But, yeah, it’s pretty cool.”

“How did you find it?” Evan asked. 

“I used to come here with my parents and sister,” Connor regretted the words the second they were out of his mouth. He took Evan here to distract him from the thought of Zoe, not to talk about her. “Before it closed down. Now I come here when I need to be alone.”

“It’s peaceful,” Evan said thoughtfully. 

“Yeah, it is,” Connor agreed. “It gets kinda creepy at night, though.”

“I can imagine,” Evan hummed.

They kept walking. Connor knew his way around enough not to worry about loosing their way back to the entrance. Part of him wouldn’t mind if they did get lost. He could think of worse fates than being stranded in an apple orchard with Evan Hansen. They wouldn’t starve, and it wasn’t like either of them were going to make it that long even in a place with plenty of food and water. Now that was a fun thought.

Connor brought his attention back to the scene around them. The pack of blue flowers didn’t look like they belonged within the grass. Instead of bright and beautiful, they were jarring to Connor’s eyes. They seemed to pop out of nowhere and command all of his attention. They made him want to rip them from the ground and smash them until there was nothing left. They made him want to gather them into a single, painful bouquet.

“What is it?” Evan was staring at him, his face was contorted in concern. 

“Nothing,” Connor looked up from the flowers. “So, you like trees?”

“I know, it’s weird,” Evan’s gaze found the ground. 

“I wasn’t going to say that,” Connor informed him. “Nature’s amazing.”

“And terrifying,” Evan added.

“Life is terrifying,” Connor shrugged. He stepped over the flower patch, for a second pretending that leaving the flowers behind was as simple as that. “That’s never been news.”

“Do you come here when you think about—” Evan stopped himself. “Never mind, that’s kinda out of line.”

“I don’t,” Connor answered anyway. “These days I’m lucky if I can make it to a bathroom.”

“Yeah, me too,” Evan mumbled.

They sat down under the shade of large apple tree. Connor learned against it’s trunk, but Evan hunched forward. The weight was still on him—still buried in his chest and working it’s way through his insides. Connor had known that bringing him to an orchard wasn’t going to fix anything. They were too alike for that.

“Sometimes I want to move on,” Evan sighed. “I mean, there are moments when it’s worth it, but sometimes I just wish I could get over her.”

He didn’t say Zoe’s name. Connor was okay with that. If he didn’t already know, if he wasn’t in love with Evan, his reaction might not have been as sympathetic.

“I don’t,” Connor voiced honestly. 

In the back of his mind, he knew he shouldn’t be talking about this. He knew that it was dangerous to put these sort of thoughts to words, and saying them to Evan Hansen was just foolish. That didn’t stop him. He’d been a fool since he was a kid.

“Not at all?” Evan turned his head to Connor, he met his eyes. “Even when it hurts.” 

“It always hurts,” Connor shrugged. “Life always fucking hurts. He’s the one thing that also doesn’t.”

“He?” Evan quirked an eyebrow.

“I’m gay,” Connor stated. 

“Is, um,” Evan looked at his hands. “Is the guy you—um, you know—is he too?”

“No,” Connor’s voice was numb. “I mean, I haven’t talked to him about it, but, I know he’s not.”

“I’m sorry,” Evan murmured.

“So am I,” Connor sighed. “Are you going to get them removed?”

“What?” Evan sputtered. 

“You said that you wished the feelings were gone,” Connor reminded him. “You can get rid of them if you want.”

“I know,” a bitter smile crossed Evan’s face. “I don’t think I can. I mean, technically I could but—”

He winced. 

“But?” Connor hummed.

Evan closed his eyes.

“You don’t have to talk about it,” Connor quickly added. “We can talk about literally anything.”

“No,” Evan shook his head. “I want to, just—promise you won’t tell anyone else, okay?”

“I won’t,” Connor swore. 

“Okay,” Evan took a breath. “When I was seven my dad left and my mom got it. I didn’t really understand everything that was happening at the time, but I knew she was really sick and that it was my dad’s fault and that they wasn’t anything I could do to help.”

Evan’s arms were curled around his knees. Connor gently placed his hand on top of Evan’s cast. He wasn’t alone right now. There was no way to tell him how much he meant to Connor, but at least he could show him that much. 

“So, um, since he wasn’t coming back she got the surgery,” Evan continued in a small voice. “And at first it was great. She felt better, I think she actually felt good and I was just happy that she was smiling again.”

“What’s the catch?” Connor asked softly.

“She’s alone,” Evan stated. “And she says it doesn’t matter, that loving me is all the love she needs but she’s not going to get into a relationship if it means that she can’t feel what she did with my dad.”

“So you’re hoping it’ll just go away?” Connor asked. “So you can find someone else?”

“It’s stupid,” Evan sighed. “No one’s gonna love me. If I can get over this, it’s just gonna happen again.”

“You don’t know that,” Connor pressed. 

“I do,” Evan met his eyes. “My mom is the most amazing and beautiful person I know. If no one wanted her, it’s impossible for me.”

Connor wanted to tell him everything. Connor wanted to kiss him. Connor wanted a chance to prove that all of that was wrong. 

“I’m sorry,” he murmured. 

That was the truth. He was sorry Evan’s dad was a jerk. He was sorry that Evan’s mom had to go through all of that. Most of all he was sorry that the person who unknowingly owned his heart and soul thought that he was unlovable. Evan wasn’t the only one heartbroken.

“What about you?” Evan asked. “You’re not getting it removed are you?”

“No,” Connor uttered. 

He was gonna die. 

* * *

They left the orchard around the time that school ended. Evan said that his mother usually stopped by their apartment and hour or two after the school day to check on him, and he wasn’t sure he’d be able to explain cutting class to go look at trees to her. When they reached the car, Evan’s phone started ringing. 

“Can you give me a second?” He asked Connor, the tentative tone creeping back into his voice.

Connor nodded. Evan took a few steps away from him, pressing the device to his ear as he did so. He was still in earshot, Connor wasn’t sure if he wanted him to try to not pay attention to the conversation. Connor wasn’t that good at self control. 

“I’m fine, Jared,” he said into the phone. “No, I’m out…Yeah, it kinda—No, it’s not her fault…I’m with Connor Murphy…I don’t know exactly…No, we’re heading back…Okay, bye.”

“Was that Kleinman?” Connor asked even thought he knew the answer.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. “He’s usually my ride home.”

“Right,” Connor opened his car door. He waited until Evan had scrambled to the other side and pulled himself in before starting the car.

“About Jared,” Evan started. “I’m sorry he was a jerk to you earlier this year.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Connor stated. He couldn’t tell Evan that he didn’t care anymore. After the convenient store incident, Jared Kleinman was one hundred percent forgiven in his eyes. “It’s fine. I’m used to that kind of shit.”

“That sucks,” Evan sounded like he meant this.

“I guess,” Connor shrugged. “I mean, I threw a printer in second grade. I don’t exactly fly under the radar.”

“You don’t deserve it,” Evan told him. “You’re the nicest person I’ve ever met.”

“That’s a lie,” Connor scoffed. 

“It’s not,” Evan said evenly.

“I pushed you and yelled at you on the first day of school,” Connor reminded him. 

He liked to go back to that moment when he was lying on the floor of his bathroom. It was an easy way to torture himself—to remind him that at the root of everything he was a monster. His first action to Evan had been aggression and nothing was going to change that. 

“You signed my cast,” Evan replied. “You brought me here. Connor, I don’t think today would have ended good if it wasn’t for you.”

“Anyone would have helped you,” Connor’s voice was loosing it’s steam. “I just got there first.”

“Do you honestly believe that?” Evan questioned. “If it had been you would you believe that?”

Until recently, no.

“I don’t know,” Connor sighed. 

“I’m glad it was you,” Evan said softly. “I don’t think I would have come here with anyone else.”

Time seemed to freeze around Connor as he heard those words. Evan didn’t sound like he was just saying that. Connor meant something to Evan. Maybe it wasn’t what he wanted, but it was more than he dared to hope he’d get. It didn’t make sense. Everything was confusing, and elating, and blue.

“I’m glad it was me too,” Connor murmured. 

* * *

Connor couldn’t get out of bed the next day. The inside of his chest burned, and it felt like his throat was constricting. His mind replayed everything Evan had told him over and over. He held onto the sound of Evan’s voice, the gleam that shone in his eyes when he looked at the trees. He cherished that for some reason Evan seemed to like him. 

He didn’t make it to the bathroom. He wasn’t sure he could stand up without passing out. At the bottom of his trash can lay more flowers than he’d seen at the patch in the orchard. 

When Zoe bursted into his room, it was with the assumption that he’d overslept. He’d never seen annoyance dissolve into fear so quickly. She shouldn’t have to see him like this. 

“You need to go to the hospital,” her voice wavered.

“I can’t,” he was able to get out. 

“Connor, this is bad,” she was trying not to cry. 

“Please,” he hissed. “It’ll be okay, I promise.”

She could always tell when he was lying. Before she left for school she brought him a cup of tea and pain killers. He was pretty sure she’d convinced their parents he had the flue. He was glad his mother had a full day planned. If she tried to check on him, she’d see through that in seconds flat.

He spent the day reading and trying to teach himself how to breath without wincing. All of the strength he’d gained from the day before was gone. He didn’t know how he’d been able to drive to the orchard. When Evan was there, his own pain felt insignificant. Now just thinking about him started a coughing fit. 

“Hey,” Zoe didn’t knock on the door when she entered. That was okay. Connor knew that she’d be home around this time, and expected her to once again try to convince him to get help.

“How’s Alana?” He asked partly because he wanted a distraction and partly because he needed to see that she was happy. If this did kill him, she’d be the one his death effected the most. If she had something to lean on, she’d be okay in the long run. 

“Fine,” Zoe pursed her lips. “Evan Hansen and Jared Kleinman are in our living room.”

“What?” Connor gawked at her.

“They were worried because you weren’t in school,” she crossed her arms. “I didn’t realize you were friends with them.”

Friends. That was probably the easiest way to sum up the interactions he’d had with those two. His name was on Evan’s cast, and Jared had helped him when he had no obligation to.

“I am,” Connor told her. “Kinda. I guess. You can let them in.”

“Are you sure?” She was looking at the trash can. It was obvious he wasn’t just home sick.

“Yeah,” Connor assured her. “They know.”

“Okay,” she nodded. “Just let me know if you want me to kick them out or something.”

“I will,” he promised.

When Evan and Jared entered the room it was clear that they were both trying to pretend that everything was normal. The only problem with that was that there wasn’t a normal for the three of them. Until a few days ago Connor had hated Jared’s guts, and the only reason Evan knew to be here was because Connor had tried to save him for the exact same situation. 

“How are you feeling?” Evan’s voice aimed for light, but Connor knew he could see how not good he looked.

“Awful,” he stated honestly.

“We brought card games and junk food,” Jared declared, flopping on the side of Connor’s bed. “Figured you were too lame for video games.”

“Jared,” Evan hissed but Connor mustered a chuckle. 

 “What are we playing?” He asked.

“Doesn’t matter,” Jared informed him. “I’m kicking both of your asses.”

They played cards and devoured the cheep chips Jared bought for the next hour. Evan won most of the time, Connor was able to take a handful of them, and Jared lost every round. That didn’t seemed to hurt his ego. It took a bit for Connor to realize that the cocky remarks weren’t him being an ass, he was trying to take everyone’s mind off of why the three of them were pretending they were friends in the first place. Maybe Connor had misjudged this guy all these years. 

“I need to use the bathroom,” Evan said after beating both of them at their second game of FU.

“It’s down the hall to the right,” Connor let him know. 

“Thanks,” Evan smiled at him before leaving the room. 

“Is it okay that he’s here?” Jared asked the second the door was closed.

“That would have been a great question to ask before camping out in my room for an hour,” Connor said dryly.

“He was worried about you,” Jared said in his defense. “I couldn’t tell him why him checking on you might not be a good idea. And didn’t you spend the entire day with him yesterday?”

“It’s fine,” Connor answered the initial question. “It’s weird, but I think it might be helping.” 

“That is weird,” Jared commented. 

“It’s probably just the distraction factor,” Connor shrugged.

“You’re distracted from your unrequited feelings by spending time with the person who you have unrequited feelings for?” Jared asked slowly.

“Maybe?” Connor didn’t have any other answer.

“You’re odd, Murphy,” Jared shook his head.

“Fuck off,” Connor muttered. “Was he okay being in the same room as Zoe?”

“Not really,” Jared’s forehead creased. “I mean, it went better than I thought it would, but he still looked like he was gonna throw up.”

“Yeah,” Connor nodded.

“Wait,” Jared gapped at him. “He told _you_ it was Zoe?”

“No,” Connor answered dryly. “I’m just not an idiot.”

They stayed for another two hours. When Connor’s mother came home she tried to convince them to join the family for dinner. Fortunately, Evan stammered that his mother was expecting him, successfully dodging that bullet. As the two filed out of his room, Connor didn’t know how to explain why his chest hurt less. The pain was still there, and he still wasn’t sure he’d be able to stand up on his own, but it wasn’t half as excruciating as it had been that morning. 

It didn’t make sense.

* * *

The next day Evan came alone. Apparently Jared had a lot of homework and if he didn’t spend his afternoon in the library it would result in him failing several classes. That made Connor laugh.

“It’s my fault,” Evan rubbed the back of his neck. “He keeps dropping whatever he’s doing when I get sick.”

“I didn’t know he was such a good friend,” Connor stated. “I used to think he was a jerk to you.” 

“Oh, he was,” Evan laughed nervously. “I think I kinda freaked him out though. Maybe it’s this sort of stuff that makes you realize who matters, you know?”

“This kind of stuff meaning the possibility of death by floral decor?” Connor deadpanned.

“Yeah,” Evan chuckled. “That. I, um, brought cards if you want to play games again.”

“I think I’ve have enough of you kicking my ass for this week,” Connor replied. “I have Netflix on my computer. You wanna watch something stupid?”

“Sure,” Evan nodded. 

That became a habit even once Connor was feeling alive enough to come back to school. Through the next month the two of them binged several crappy TV series and a handful of movies. Occasionally Jared tagged along. He liked to make obnoxious commentary no matter what they were watching. Sometimes Connor would join in and Evan would laugh at the both of them. 

It felt normal, and nice, and not painful. Connor didn’t get it.

It was a Monday when Connor felt the air around them change. He’d been pretty sure that Evan had been off all day, but it was only when they were alone in his room with a random superhero show playing in the background that he was certain. 

“Is everything okay?” Connor knew that this was always the worst way to ask, but he wasn’t sure how else to tell Evan he could tell that something wasn’t right.

“Yeah,” Evan said quickly. “Kinda. I don’t know.” 

Connor closed his computer with his foot.

“You can tell me,” he put his hand on top of Evan’s cast. It was gonna come off soon. Connor didn’t want it to. When he looked at it, he remembered that Evan and him were united. Without the reminder, he was afraid the flowers were going to start sprouting faster again.

“I think I got better,” Evan stated. 

“Evan,” Connor took a second to understand those words. “That’s awesome.”

“Thanks,” he mumbled.

“Is there a downside?” He questioned.

“No,” Evan’s smile didn’t reach his eyes. 

“Really?” Connor gave him a dubious look. 

“I’d just hoped that we could get better together,” he stammered. “I don’t want you to be the only one suffering.”

“You feeling good isn’t going to make me feel worse,” Connor told him. “I’m happy for you.”

“You’re a good friend,” Evan informed him.

“I know,” Connor smiled at him.

He turned the show back on. They leaned against the headboard of Connor’s bed. Connor had his phone in his hand and Evan a notebook he liked to doodle in when they did this. For a second, everything seemed okay.

“There’s something else,” Evan said in a small voice. 

“Yeah?” Connor turned his head to look at him. 

“I’m scared it’s gonna start again,” Evan’s hand rubbed at the edge of his cast. 

“Do you still have feelings for her?” Connor questioned. 

“No,” Evan looked at his feet. “It’s someone else.”

“Oh,” Connor felt something drop in his stomach.

“It’s not even a crush right now, but—” Evan winced. “The other one happened really fast.”

“Yeah,” Connor tried to push his own thoughts away. He could sort those out later. “Maybe it’ll be different this time.”

“I don’t know,” Evan looked back at him. “It doesn’t matter, I shouldn’t bother you about it, that’s not fair of me. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Connor murmured. He tried to ignore the twisting in his gut. 

* * *

Connor was coughing in the bathroom again. He’d stopped drinking cough syrup a few weeks ago. He’d stopped needing to run out of class to throw up a few weeks ago. Not once had he thought that he was getting better, as long as Evan’s smile set him on fire he was far from cured. Still, he’d assumed that maybe his body was getting better at managing it. Maybe his immune system was strengthening.

This felt like a relapse—only, nothing was coming up. His throat hurt and his lungs ached, but blue petals didn’t force their way into his mouth.

* * *

“You look good today.” Evan commented when Connor approached his locker. “Healthy, I mean. I meant to say you looked healthy. Not that you don’t also look good. Sorry.”

“You’re more on edge than usual,” Connor observed. It took a second for his mind to jump to the worse conclusion. “You’re not feeling sick again, are you?”

“No,” Evan sighed. “That’s the problem.”

“What?” Connor wasn’t following.

“Never mind,” Evan shook his head. “Hey, I was wondering. Not that I think not going to class is a good idea, but, um, do you maybe wanna go to the orchard again?”

“You sure?” Connor questioned. Midterms were coming up, and he knew Evan cared more about grades than he did.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. “Positive.”

“Okay,” Connor nodded. “Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

Evan chattered through the drive over. Connor wasn’t sure he’d heard him stutter this much in weeks. He didn’t ask what was wrong. If Evan wanted to tell him, he would. Connor didn’t need to pry into his personal space.

That was what Connor told himself. In reality, he didn’t want to hear what was making Evan nervous. He knew it had to do with Evan having feelings for someone and not hacking up roses. Soon, Connor would figure out how to be happy for him, but right now thinking about it made him want to punch something. 

“I still can’t believe this place exists,” Evan exclaimed as he collapsed against the tree they’d spent their last trip under.

“It used to be a lot more regulated,” Connor told him. “I like it better overgrown. It feels more natural.”

“Yeah,” Evan hummed. “We should climb this one once I get my cast off.”

“You sure that’s a good idea?” Connor asked.

“Yeah, why?” Evan gave him a quizzical look.

“Didn’t you break your arm falling out of a tree?” Connor questioned. 

“Oh,” Evan’s face fell for a fraction of a second. “Yeah, I—Can I tell you something?”

“About the tree?” Connor raised an eyebrow. 

“Um, well at first I wasn’t gonna, but, yeah maybe we should start there,” Evan sounded like he was talking more to himself than to Connor. 

“I’m not following, Hansen,” Connor stated.

“We’re friend’s right?” Evan’s eyes felt like they were trying to bare into him.

“Yes,” Connor answered. 

“And not because you felt sorry for me, or we happened to be at the same place at the same time, or—”

“Yeah,” Connor cut him off. “It’s because we genuinely get along and like each other.”

“Okay,” Evan nodded. He took a breath. His gaze flickered to his cast—to Connor’s name on his cast—then back to Connor again. “I didn’t fall out of the tree. I let go.”

Connor felt like something sucked the air out of him. He watched Evan search his reaction. He didn’t know what he was looking for or how to give it to him. 

“I tried to kill myself before school started but Zoe stopped me,” he blurted. 

Evan looked like Connor slapped him.

“I,” he stammered. “I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah,” Connor didn’t know what sort of game they were playing right now, but he didn’t like it. “Guess we’re both fucked up.”

Evan closed his eyes.

“I was in love with your sister,” he said in a rush.

“What?” Connor blinked at him.

“I didn’t tell you because I thought you’d be mad and not want to be my friend, and you should be, because I don’t think I’ve even talked to her before I started hanging out with you but for some reason she was the only thing I couldn’t think about for so long.” Evan was talking a mile a minute. Each word took the form of a dagger, but they weren’t aimed at Connor. 

“I know. I figured it out a long time ago. It’s not your fault and it doesn’t matter anymore,” Connor’s voice was loud. It smashed through the babble, cutting down Evan’s word’s attack. “What are you doing?”

“You’re supposed to hate me,” Evan curled in on himself. “That’s how this works.”

“You’re freaking me out,” Connor tried to keep his own voice calm. “Tell me what’s really going on, I can help you.”

“Did you get better?” Evan asked suddenly.

“What?” Connor wasn’t doing this right now—not when Evan had just said that he jumped out of a tree a few months ago, not when Connor had spilt the secret that only him and his sister knew, not when Evan seemed on the verge of a panic attack.

“You look healthy and I haven’t seen you cough in at least a week,” Evan stated. “Did you get over that guy?”

“No,” Connor’s voice was heavy.

“Okay,” Evan closed his eyes. “I—This was a bad idea. I need to go home. I’m gonna call Jared or my mom—”

“Who told you?” Connor’s voice was numb.

Only Jared knew, but he was pretty sure Zoe had figured it out by now. Or many he was just that fucking obvious that Evan had finally realized everything he was hiding. Now Evan was going to run away, like he should have when they first met—like he should have every time they talked after that. This was how it ended. Evan was going to walk out of his life and the blue flowers were going to consume Connor.

“What?” Evan blinked at him.

“You can just say what this is fucking about,” Connor spat.

“I can’t,” Evan stammered. 

“What? After everything I don’t at least get to hear you say how stupid I am?” Connor could feel the fire building. He was going to explode and it wasn’t going to be pretty. 

“That’s not,” Evan looked like he was about to cry. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Why am I here, Evan?” Connor demanded. He just wanted to be in Evan’s life. He knew it would kill him eventually, but he just wanted that little bit a joy in the sea of sick hurt that was his worthless life. 

“Because something’s wrong with me!” Evan shouted. The words pushed Connor back against the tree. “Because I think I love you, but you still love someone else, and I’m supposed to be choking but I’m not, and it’s scaring me."

“You love me,” Connor was frozen.

That was why he hadn’t been able to cough up anything recently. It was why the blue flowers were leaving him alone. It was why being around Evan made him feel better instead of worse. It hadn’t been distraction, it was Evan falling for him.

Evan Hansen fell for _him_.

“I’m sorry,” Evan crumpled into himself. “I get it if you don’t want to be around me anymore. It’s okay.”

“You love me,” Connor couldn’t believe this. He didn’t deserve this. He felt like he could fly—no, he was flying. “You love _me._ ”

“Connor, I don’t know what you want me to say,” Evan was staring at him through large, heartbroken eyes. “I didn’t mean to—”

Connor threw himself forward, his lips crashing into Evan’s in a manor he knew wasn’t smooth but couldn’t find it in him to care. He’d wanted this for so long. He’d been so sure he wouldn’t get it for so long.

Evan broke the kiss, pulling back with confusion plastered across his face. His hands still stayed on Connor’s shoulders, Connor knew he was grinning. He probably should have tried to explain first, but he couldn’t think straight right now. Joy was radiating in his veins, and for the first time in months his throat felt clear. 

“You said you didn’t get better,” Evan stammered. “You said you still love that boy that you told me about.”

“I do,” Connor felt the grin widen on his face. “You’re him.”

“I,” Evan blinked. He shook his head. Slowly disbelieve morphed into bewilderment and bewilderment melted into bliss. “This whole time?”

“Yeah,” Connor nodded. 

“You didn’t say anything,” Evan gaped at him. 

“What was I supposed to say?” Connor asked him.

“You were in so much pain because of me,” Evan murmured.

“That wasn’t your fault,” Connor needed him to understand this.

“I,” Evan exhaled. “You’re sure?”

“Completely,” Connor brought his hand to Evan’s cheek. “Are you?”

“Yeah,” Evan leaned into Connor’s palm. “Kiss me again.”

Connor didn’t need to be told twice. He wrapped his arms around Evan, he poured everything he’d thought he’d have to feel alone into Evan. His face was wet. It took a moment for him to realize they were both crying. The pain was gone, but neither of them would forget that it had been there. That was okay. It made the joy right now even better. 

A few feet away from them, a patch of bright blue flowers grew peacefully. 

**Author's Note:**

> Let the record show that I could have killed them but I didn't.


End file.
